Who’s afraid of ghosts

DSC_6274Who’s afraid of ghosts? I remember just a short time ago, I used to not walk out in the pitch black.  I would look over my shoulder in the dark all too often.  When looking in a mirror I would not look to the far edges for fear as to what I would see there – what eyes would look back at me.  I didn’t want to sit alone on a chair in the dark backyard.  When I walked up the stairs from a dark basement I would walk just a tad faster toward the end in fear of that ever present fearsome ghost grabbing me.  Maybe these were normal fears, or maybe conjured up by the fear of the unknown.

But now that has all changed.

I embrace sitting alone for long stretches in the pitch black backyard.  When I look in a mirror, I look to the edges, I look to the farthest point of reflection I can see, I stare at the little shards of a shattered mirror.  I sit in the dark often, I stand on the deck at night alone looking at the chairs on the patio below me.  When I get home late at night I sit in my still car alone for just a few more moments than usual.  I walk slowly from the car to the front door.  I am no longer afraid.

And I am sure I am not alone.  I am sure every grieving parent knows why I do this.

PG3_2117I look at that chair and wait and wish to see Andrew there staring back at me and smiling.  I recall the hours him and I spent during his last summer, sitting in those chairs talking and listening by the fire.  I look in the mirror in hopes of seeing my son’s face looking back at me for just an instance.  I stand on the deck alone hoping that I will hear his voice saying “Daddy, I am okay”.  Just to hear his voice one more time.

I long to be one of those grieving parents who has a conversation with their child that was taken from them way to soon.  I want to sit up at night and see him sitting at the end of the bed and have a conversation with him until he says he has to go – but tells me he is happy, peaceful and he wishes for me and Mommy to be happy again.  I want to hear him say he will be there waiting for us when our times come.  I want to be one of those who sees their child’s beautiful face looking back at them in the mirror, or their image standing beside them in the reflection.  I want, or should I say I need to know my son is at peace, but I want to hear it from him, or from what he has become.

I long to see the ghost, that ghost that I no longer fear, but that I now embrace.


7 thoughts on “Who’s afraid of ghosts

  1. Sally

    I agree with you Perry and hope with all my heart that your son does come to visit you one day and tell you he is fine and looks forward to when you will be together again.

  2. MOLLY

    I often talk with those I love who are not with us physically.

    They are with me spiritually.

    Sometimes when I make a mistake, I ask them if they think it is terrible or funny.

    Makes me feel strong.

  3. Anastassia

    Andrew will manifest into something that will comfort you, Perry – even if it is for just a second.. He knows and is aware of you, Dorothy, and Nicole Somewhere in the divide…. he will send a sign when it is time to.. keep listening, and stay strong, Perry.

  4. Janie

    Beautiful share, Perry. I talk to my dad and wish he was here, too, for one more hug and kiss and conversation. Maybe they’ve met on the other side and are talking about hockey. I hope he comes to visit you, Perry.

  5. joanne

    You know Perry, as contrite as it may seem, our lost loved ones are with us. We just need to be conscious of manifestations that previously went unnoticed. Maybe for you, it is Andrew guiding you through your writings…helping you negotiate through this minefield of sorrow.

  6. K'Daya

    Yes my son came to me to confirm his death was an accident not intentional and that he was okay that has helped me in my fight for my family. He is so present in my life whether in the house leaving his hand print or turning my radio on to songs with a message to even calling people on my phone that I never dialed. Although hes come to see me it doesn’t take away the pain but it does help me to smile on those days i just want to throw in the towel.Haven’t seen his face since he came to me 2 and a half yrs ago would love to talk to him again. Andrew will come to u and your wife when he knows u are calm and can handle it but know he’s always with u forever.

  7. Susan Wallace

    Perry, I just read this post – my ritual of reading them and replying on Sunday mornings changed with the end of school. Perhaps Andrew doesn’t know the best way to reveal himself to you yet. Perhaps he has tried in small ways that are not yet noticeable to you. He will always be in your heart, and maybe the strength you have is Andrew helping you through each day…


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