One thing I am having a hard time is the question of is Andrew at peace.

I speak to people all the time about Andrew and generally everyone says Andrew is in a better place.  They say he is in heaven, and that he is at peace.  He is with G-d, he is with my father whom he never met before, and he is with poppy whom he loved and cared for dearly.  He is with all those who passed before him that he never had the chance to meet, as well as those he did know during the short period of time that was his life.  They say that in heaven, you are happy, you are at total peace, everything is peaceful, you have no worries, it is paradise.

People general also say that he is with us, all of us – Dorothy, Nicole, me.  He is with Grandma, Bubby, Greg and Todd, Wally and Matt , Jovi and Jay. He is here, he is watching over us, he is taking care of us.  He gives us signs and protects us, all while being at peace in heaven.

But I have a question.  One that has haunted me for months.  One that i am just stuck on.

Andrew can see the pain and grief that we are all going through.  He can see Dorothy crying herself to sleep, or waking up in the middle of the night crying.  He can see me crying in my office every single day, finding it hard to concentrate and focus.  He can see how we are struggling to make it through day by day without him.  He can feel how his closest friends miss him and pain for him.  He sees Grandma crying for him in church every day.  He sees all of this pain that his passing has caused on this earth.  How can he be happy and at peace with all this pain here on earth, wherever his soul is now.

I know he did not cause his own passing, he took what he was told to take by his doctors. I know it was a medical issue that no one could have foreseen and no one could have prevented. It was not his fault, it was not the doctors fault, it was not anyone’s fault, he just died.  He went to sleep, and very peacefully his life ended.  It just ended.  I don’t blame him for his passing, no one does – I love him too much for that.  No one blames anyone, it just happened.

But how can he really be at peace?  He must be in pain, crying himself, just to see all of us in so much pain. He is such a sensitive being, such a sensitive soul, how can he just not be effected by the pain here on earth and be at peace as everyone says he is.  I love him so much, and I want him to be at peace, I want his time in heaven to be peaceful and I want all those good things I hear about heaven to be so for my son.

How can we do this, how can we make this happen?  I don’t know. Maybe no one knows. You see movies like Ghost, and realize maybe it is letting him go to bring him peace.  I read poems like the one’s below and think about letting go, if I can.  Maybe we have to learn from his passing, maybe we have look at what he had and be thankful.  But what is letting go?  I can’t just let go of my son.  I can’t let go of his hand, I can’t let go of holding onto him in my thoughts.  I will never let him go – but do I need to?  Do I need to figure out how to let him go and start to live my life again?  Would that disrespectful to his memory?  I know he would want me to, he would want me to go on and live my life and still love and respect his memory.

We will never forget him, we can’t.  We will never stop looking at his pictures or telling stories about him.  His face, his voice, the way he smells after a shower, his love will never ever be forgotten.  Not by just us, but hopefully many will always remember him.  But maybe I can learn to let go of his hand. Maybe I can learn to let go of his collar and let him move to a place he needs to be in to be at peace.   And maybe that will let me move to a place I can be at peace as well.  I just don’t know.

I have to think more, open myself up more, and eventually write more about this when I figure it out.  This is just the beginning.

These are all poems/images from facebook that I have read and make me think.