I have the answer!

That’s crap – but it’s a nice eye catcher.

Many people search for the meaning in life, or their place in this world, or they want the answer to some very spiritual question. They spend their lives seeking it, as if one answer to one question will change their destiny. Sometimes, just sometimes, they might get that answer to that one question in their lives. They may feel enlightened.  They may feel a heavy weight has been lifted from them. But how long does it last? Until the next question of life comes up?

Is he still smiling and laughing and as happy as he was here? What a happy smirk he had on his face.

Then there are the rest of us, the vast majority of the masses that are searching for an answer, or many answers. The group that I hear the most from is seeking different answers. We no longer care about the answers to life’s big questions; we are no longer seeking the ultimate answers to life. All we want to know is about our lost children. We need to know where they are. We need to know how they are. I know many people who go to bereavement conventions, bereavement counselors, spiritual leaders, psychics, readers, even travel to Tibet to meet with the monks – all in search of a few questions that are new to us. Mainly one or two questions – and not even about ourselves.

Why did my child have to die? Is he happy where he is now? Will i join him some day? Is she with my other passed relatives? Is she at peace? And the list goes on. We are no longer concerned with ourselves; we have no more questions about our life, our place on this earth, or our peace. All we want, actually all we need is to know about our lost children.

pick-flower-beautiful-beautyFor me, I may not be at peace now, but I realize that I can go on. That I can live my life, function fairly well, and not know the answers to all of these questions. I don’t know why Andrew was taken from us. Of course we can read the Facebook pictures like this one, and hope it gives us some peace. But it really does not answer the question – it only is a thought. Why was he taken? Why, of all the tens of millions of children that get to live their full lives, have families, and grow old, was my son not allowed to? Is there really an answer? is there any answer that would really let me sit down and say I understand?

A close friend of mine said Andrew completed what he was put here on earth for. He fulfilled what G-d had in mind for him. Was that to give a childless couple the chance to love and raise a child of their own? Was it to change the lives of his close friends, give them a reason to turn their lives around? Was it to give a couple of his close friends the enthusiasm and courage to change their direction in life – to change their major in college and to go down the path of becoming a therapist / psychologist and to help other? He did all of this – but is this all he was here for?

Another close friend, someone who has a strong religious faith, said that G-d actually saved Andrew. There was something down Andrew’s path of life. Something that was bad. Something that would have caused him pain and suffering and he was saved from that. G-d did not want this gentle young man to experience that pain, so he decided to make him an angel now.

Is my son at peace where he is now? Is he happy? I have to believe he is. It would hurt too much not to believe this. But that’s not the answer. That is my hope. Everyone hears about how peaceful the other side, how we live there in eternity in peace with our loved ones. We all need to believe this and believe this is the answer about the afterlife. It lets us sleep at night.


I hope that Andrew is with Aunt Flo – and that she is still teaching him Yiddish.

Some parents need to hear it though. They go to readers, psychics or mystics. They want to hear it from their loved one’s that they are at peace, that they are with other loved ones, that they hold no grudges or feel no pain. This is the answer for them. They connect to their lost relatives and hear that they are peacefully resting. They hear through the psychic that their children are not in any more pain and that they feel no anxiety. They hear that through the psychic that they want those they left behind not to cry for their lost children, not to morn forever; but to go on with their lives, to go on and smile and laugh and they will meet up again someday. This is their answer that they find peace in.

Still others find the answer in a butterfly passing by, or a beautiful cardinal landing on their porch. They see the signs that our lost children send us. They see a rainbow when we are on the way to the cemetery, or a butterfly on their birthday, or when we are just sad. They see a ladybug on the window when their son’s favorite song is playing, or the lights flicker when we look at their pictures. Some of us are lucky enough to smell their fragrance when we are alone, or feel their touch when no one is near. This is the answer we seek. We feel such peace when this happens, and feel blessed that they are able to communicate in a way others cannot understand.

So do I have the answers that you seek? Probably not. But what I can tell you is that you have to be open to the answers; or you will never be at peace. You have to be open to the psychic, to the flickering lights, to the beautiful ladybug. You have to be able to dream and listen for what you are looking for. Will your child communicate with you? Can they communicate with you? Who knows? But if you shut the possibility of it out of your life, you may never find the peace you seek, that we all seek. I am not saying to believe in psychics, or to believe in a rainbow, or to dream with a purpose – those are individual beliefs. But what I am saying is the answers are where you let them be. The answers are only behind the doors that you let open for you. The locked door will never help you. You have the keys, now go find the answers.


9 thoughts on “I have the answer!

  1. Caroline

    Beautiful Perry. Oh he’s watching us and sending messages to us all. Sometimes I feel like I can’t wait to see him and all the other loved ones who have passed on to ‘the otherside’.
    Past pets too 🙂 like my Smitty.

  2. Barbara

    Well said. We have the keys, maybe one day we will find the lock. Somedays the rage is so bad, I just want something, anything to calm it down and help me find some kind of peace.

  3. Betty

    Thank you, Bless you. I have been in every state you have mentioned. At this time, 16 years in grief, I want to reach out as you do. Just listening and no concrete answers is so helpful. Thank you, Thank you

  4. Marie Nadal

    Thank you. I am in my 11th month of grief and coming upon my son’s 21st birthday – our first without him. This was beautifully written and expressed all my feelings. Made me feel not so alone in this. Bless you.

  5. Pam & Joe

    Your posts are always good, but some rock me. This is one of those. I especially connect with your last four sentences. So much so that I wrote them down and will refer to them often, especially when I start to retreat. Thanks Perry.

  6. Debbie Miron

    Dear Perry,

    You touch so many people who either share your grief or can empathize as they too have lost a loved one. I can see this is true from the many comments shared. I believe that our loved ones who have passed–whether a father, grandparent or a child, sends us signals. Perhaps it is a door slamming shut; or a piece of paper falling off a shelf… I believe when we think these thoughts, we keep our loved ones alive.

    I’m so glad that you have this blog and can keep the love and faith you have for Andrew alive. When you talk about him, you introduce him to people like me who have just met you in the past year…

    Keep Andrew alive with the loving acts you continue to do for people…

    Great seeing you and Nicole today.



  7. Marian Burns

    Perry. The loss of your son is shattering like shards of broken glass that rip and tear. I can feel you hurt and despair. I know that with his passing a piece of your being has been ripped out and is gone. I know you are going on with life with an important piece of your existence removed. This is a pain and ache that will never go away. I know that the people who loved us, and who we love would want us to go forward. When we can’t eat, sleep and breathe… they would not want our sorrow to destroy our lives. But it does…its a struggle to continue…. The sadness and rage and the why…. I can only see our lives as remaining monuments for the time we are here. We are living proof that we have loved and lost. We will be strong enough to face whatever comes our way. So the beauty of your love remains and you stand as a living testament that will never forget.

  8. alicia Love

    Hi Perry,
    I just happen to find this
    it is Alicia, Marcus’ sister. This is so honest. It is a prefect way to honor your son. I read a bunch of them.
    I am sorry this happen. There are no reasons. I wish there could be but it is unknown why this happen to anyone. My husband and I lost our only son as a baby. It has been 5 years and sometimes it like yesterday. I cry of what could have been.
    Peace be with all of you
    Alicia Love


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