I have been thinking a long time of what i would write to you for father’s day; what I want to tell you, as well as what you need to hear. And for father’s day, a day that you have never embraced since the loss of your father so long ago, He has finally let me write you this letter. Of course it is your fingers doing the typing – but by all means, these are my words and thoughts – to you.
First of all, I know you miss me terribly, and we know you will never get over that. I miss you and Mommy and Nicole just as much. Just because we are separated, and I am here far away, I still miss being with my family – the family that I truly loved so much. But please take solace that one day, we will all be together again, I know that. Hopefully not for a long, long time, but it will happen. That is the faith that you must have, that is what is going to keep you going. It will help you get out of bed every morning, and let you lie your head down on the pillow in peace at night. it will let you love Nicole and show her the great loving life she deserves, and enable you to travel and vacation and see places around the world that you want to see.
As for where we will see each other again – that is a harder question. I know you have been told by some that I am in a “better” place – that is not entirely wrong, but it is not right either. I am in a “different” place. There is no real “better” place for me to be than by your side, with my family. But that said, I am at peace here. I have no stress, no anxiety, no pain. I feel that I am with many other people who came before me in our family, some I knew, some I have just met for the first time. The place I am in can’t really be described – it justs exists.
The peace they talk about is just that – peace. I do not have the joy of skating with my team, or snowboarding down a white snowy surface of a Colorado mountain. I can not watch Nicole play hockey and cheer her on with the pride only an older brother can appreciate when his sister follows in his footsteps – even if those footsteps are empty now. I yearn to complete my life on earth, and not have had it taken from me.
I was sad, very sad, when you sold my car. That was my happy place, my comfort zone, and I loved that car. I know you had to sell it, it was the right thing to do, but it still hurt. I am happy thought that it is now with someone who appreciates it as much as I did, and who is caring for it and loves to drive it as much as I did – but it is not me – it should be me. Peace does not replace that.
So on this day when I should be taking care of you, cooking you dinner, and thanking you for being the best father in the world, please know that I am at least thinking about you. Thinking about the great life you and mom gave me and appreciating the time we did have together.
Now please, smile a little more, hug Nicole a little tighter, and enjoy father’s day the best you can.
Your loving son, always,